why i had to take a step back

I feel like as my blog has shifted and changed a bit I have been more open about the things are are actually happening in my life - I wanted to be candid and explain a bit about the past year or so. I had to take a major step back from the life I was living. At first it wasn't on purpose, but then I allowed myself to ease up on all the work I was putting into living sustainably.

In October of 2019 I found myself in a terrible place in my life. The day before New Years Eve I ended up in the ER and for the entire month of January I was so sick I almost never got out of bed. As a usually very healthy person, who never gets sick for more than a couple days, this was completely abnormal. It wasn't until April of 2020 that I was finally forced to face the facts and I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.

Looking back at that time I was a shell of a person - nothing satisfied me or brought me lasting joy, and I know now that I was not a fun person to be around. My mental health was so bad that my physical health depleted, I wasn't exercising, I was eating terribly, and I couldn't stay healthy. But, the biggest thing was that I was so hard on myself and everything I did felt like I had to work 100 times harder to accomplish, I was living in slow motion.

Why am I being so open about a time that I am so ashamed of now?

Well, one, I think it is really important to break the stigma surround mental illness. It exists everywhere, we can't avoid it, so we might as well just embrace the fact that it exists and move on. But thats not the main point here.

My mental health was suffering so terribly and my physical health was crumbling around it. These things made it extremely difficult to get out of bed, go to class, cook dinner, and really put effort into anything. I started relying on things I usually wouldn't - frozen meals, takeout, online shopping excessively, buying pre-made items, and things like that. Basically, all the things that I would normally try to avoid doing because there is a sustainable alternative, I was doing.

I was really hard on myself for this, telling myself I should have put in the work to cook myself a meal and not eat another frozen burrito, shaming myself for ordering something online that I could have walked over to Target to pick up, feeling guilty about purchasing a skin product I could have made myself.

My sustainable practices were slipping and instead of realizing that there was a much bigger underlying issue, I just felt bad that I wasn't doing better for the earth.

When I finally got the help that I desperately needed - started medication and therapy to help get my brain back on the right track, I realized that I did not need to feel bad for all those non-eco-friendly things I had done, because I was so SICK.

Regular life is really hard to live when your brain isn't functioning quite right, and I think I have finally made my peace with that.

I had to take the time to prioritize my mental health before I could go full force back into that sustainable life I was trying to live. I was no use to anyone, especially the Earth, when I was feeling that drained.

I have learned to set boundaries with myself and my practices.

Just today I made the decision to do a load of laundry in a machine rather than by hand. I have been going through a bit of another rough patch, I'll be real, my apartment is kind of a disaster right now and that only adds to the existing stress. So, laundry has been piling up for about 3 weeks now, but letting myself take that step back allows me to get back on track much quicker.

The main point is, you have to prioritize yourself above all else. If you are totally drained then do you really think you are going to be your most useful self?

If eating that frozen vegan mac and cheese one night is the thing that helps me get through that day, I am going to do it, because I know that tomorrow I can start again.

As I navigate my new life of feeling better I am able to plan ahead a little bit - for example, I have been cooking extra food on the days I am feeling good and then freezing it for the days that I don't feel I can do much more than put something in the microwave. In general, I try to keep up with laundry little by little so it doesn't pile up the way it did this time or do a few dishes so I have clean jars to fill up in the bulk section instead of buying it packaged. But, of course, that is not always going to be the case, unexpected things are always going to happen...

WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. Many zero-waste bloggers I follow have made points about their struggles with keeping their practices during this time. Lauren Singer of "Trash is for Tosser" posted about how she bought things in plastic for the first time in years because we are ling in a time of such uncertainty. If we work hard during the times we are able to do right by the earth, she will be able to handle these type of emergencies.

I don't want this to seem like I am giving up my low-waste lifestyle, I am absolutely still advocating for Mother Earth, I could never and will never let that go. I just want to put this out there as a reminder, especially for myself, that you are not failing if you fall away a little bit because you are struggling.

all my love xoxo